I've found that the concept of forgiveness is quite unappreciated by many emotionally injured people. Some people believe that forgiveness is merely setting oneself up to be hurt again while others believe that forgiveness is pure weakness. When a person has been wronged and emotionally injured as a result of it, their judgment is often impaired which makes it easy believe that forgiveness is an irrational behavior.
Unfortunately, when a person continuously resists and rejects forgiveness, their ongoing unforgivingness has the potential to cause irreversible emotional damage and scarring. Some of the visual effects of this that are quite easy to see include vitriol, hate, gender prejudice and vengeful behavior. In the initial stages right after being emotionally injured, these behaviors are merely a human response to a toxic or harmful stimulus that can be temporary so long as the individual puts forth a genuine effort to heal and move on. But when a person chooses the path of unforgivingness, these dysfunctional behaviors can become a way of life.
I've found that forgiveness is best accomplished when taken in stride. One of the first steps for me was considering the advice from a friend who suggested that instead of regarding my ex's infidelity as an act of evil, consider it a gift. Being as emotionally injured as I was at the time, the idea of this seemed absolutely irrational. To consider the idea that all the emotional pain and agony that I was enduring as a result of my ex infidelity was a gift, damn, what else could I think but to think that the woman who told me this was absolutely nuts!
Fortunately, even though my ex's infidelity left me in a complete state of humility, there was still something inside me that was willing to consider my friend's advice and give this gift idea a try. But why choose the road of forgiveness over unforgivingness? Because the emotional trauma and anger that I was enduring absolutely sucked! Even though the gift idea seemed irrational at the time, the idea of going forward in a life filled with nothing but toxic and self-destructive emotions leading to gross dysfunctional behavior seemed even more irrational.
The first step towards forgiveness was acknowledging and considering the idea that my ex's infidelity was a gift. The second step was putting forth a genuine effort in learning to understand WHY it was a gift. In looking back, here are some reasons why my ex's infidelity has come to be genuinely believed as a gift:
Freedom from an incompatible partner.
Though I didn't realize the incompatibilities between me and my wife while we were married, in looking back, I'm now able to be honest with myself and admit that I was absolutely miserable in my marriage. This kind of brutal honesty can be very difficult and challenging for an emotionally injured person to subject theirselves to, but once it's done, it really helps in learning to let go of some of the pain. I would ask myself, how could I continue having feelings and love for someone that I was truly miserable with?
Personal Growth & Evolution.
In being proactive with my emotional healing, it didn't take long for me to discover just how primitive of a guy I really was. This same friend who encouraged me to see my ex's infidelity as a gift also encouraged me to acknowledge and accept my faults and flaws. In making myself acknowledge and connect to these unfavorable personal attributes of myself, it gave me specific focal points to concentrate on in my efforts to heal and evolve as a human being and as a man. This greatly improved my self-respect and self-esteem.
Availability to True Love.
Being separated and then divorced from my ex wife freed me from a dysfunctional marriage that lacked true love and harmony. The word "Availability" in this regard doesn't mean that I'm actively seeking a long-term commitment though. What being available to true love means for me is that I'm free to continue my ongoing efforts in expanding on my personal growth interests so that I can evolve into the man I need to be to experience the true love and harmony that I genuinely desire with a woman.
In learning to understand and believe in why my ex's infidelity was a gift, the idea of what was once the most irrational thing I ever heard had transcended into one of the most rational decisions I've ever made. But I won't deny that the transcendence this gift has given me is flawless. Though I'm able to acknowledge how much I've grown and healed in my ongoing quest to achieve total forgiveness, there has been some scarring that I may never truly heal from. For example:
-I've become almost completely prejudice of anyone who's cheated or committed adultery.
-I'm commitment-phobic towards women who've ever been sexually abused or raped. This fear is greatly reduced if I truly believe that a person has put forth a genuine effort with the help of a professional therapist to heal from the atrocities they've endured. But the fact remains, I'm familiar with what many sexual abuse victims are capable of when certain stressors or influences are strong and so my fear of them has become scarred into my being.
-I'm commitment-phobic towards age-gap relationships. In putting forth a genuine effort to heal from the pain of my ex's adultery and evolve as a man, studying love and relationships has simply become a part of that process. My studies of age-gap relationships have taught me many of the reasons that make them too high-risk for me to consider. With the emotional scarring I do have, I fear getting hurt by a much younger woman who'd very likely outgrow me.
But even with the emotional scarring remnants I have from my ex's infidelity, I still absolutely believe that the pursuit of forgiveness is the right choice. I couldn't see living the rest of my life harboring pain, anger and vengeance. Some people show these vile traits openly and without shame while others try to conceal it with crass and offensive behavior that they're trying to sell as humor. Either way, such toxic and dysfunctional behavior doesn't reflect the man I need to be in order to experience the true love and harmony I desire.
Supposing I hadn't taken the path of forgiveness and chose to lead a dysfunctional life filled with unforgivingness, what are the chances that I'd only repeated the same mistakes that lead me into my first incompatible and miserable marriage? Being of sounder mind now than ever before, even with the emotional scarring I continue to have, unforgivingness seems to me to be one of the most irrational and toxic choices we humans are capable of making.
Wishing everyone a beautiful day!
Peace, Love and Harmony,,,
